Hammers of Bonking
Though not at all necessary, there is a certain special something to having some symbol of office. Every judge has his gavel, every (mundane) pope has his miter; every Discordian pope should have his Hammer of Bonking (preferably with a whistle in its handle, though this is not what one might call ``imperative'').
      A Hammer of Bonking usually measures some ten inches long, is brightly colored, and has at least one Squeaking Impact Device (mayhap ©, but I strongly doubt it) in the head. That is, when you hit something (or -one) with it, it squeaks.
      A Hammer of Bonking is used to inform someone that he or she is being entirely too serious about something that doesn't warrant such agida (which is most everything, when you get right down to it). A properly administered Bonk is applied to the Bonkee's noggin and should be accompanied by an informative declaration, such as ``Chill!'' or ``Lighten up!'' or, for the flowery among you, ``What ho, knave, thou has thy knickers in a twist, and shouldst removest yon hairy caterpillar from thy fundament.'' You may mix and match from the above if you like, but be careful of such constructions as ``Chill, thou hairy ho,'' especially when confronting females. If your Hammer has a whistle attachment, you could use it to get the aforementioned uptight person's attention.
      The Hammer of Bonking may also be used on oneself when one finds that one is acting in a manner unbecoming to an Improper Pope of Discordia (and we all fall from grace now and again).
      If the person in question receives the Knowledge and Conversation of Eris Discordia, they will chuckle at themselves and relax mightily. This is a Good Thing©. If the person is not receptive to such Knowledge (and you will soon learn to spot such people, and tiptoe quietly around them), you may have to make a break for it. Planning an escape route for such contingencies is strongly recommended. Shouting for help isn't unseemly, either.
      For those who cannot locate a Hammer (and this is not unlikely, for I myself had to search far and wide to locate them), give a call to the Oriental Trading Company and ask them to send you a catalog (which are wonderful things, my Brothers and Sisters; just to give you some further incentive to call [as if a Holy Artifact isn't enough], you can get superballs for $3.95 a gross). You shall not be disappointed.
      Good luck, all, and Happy Bonking.