Sermon from My Mouth

[This sermon was transcribed by Nosmo King, at the Eris Esoterica Revival Tent and Miracle Medicine Show, Skokie, Indiana, 1972, only hours before his mysterious disappearance in a Skokie Howard Johnsons. The tape recorder was found in a ladies' room stall, where King was last seen. I have endeavored to preserve the atmosphere of the sermon by joining the assembled throng in their fervent responses. -- Ed.]

Brothers and sisters...
      Brothers and sisters, it is a cold world we live in -- cold-ah! Where brother turns against brother! Sister against sister! Parent against child! Neighbor hates neighbor! Nations against nation! Man bites dog! And-ah, brothers and sisters-ah, I know why! I know why this happens! There is a rea-son-ah! A REAson-ah. Y'all listen close now, brothers, sisters and children of Our Lady!
      The reason is that people are sure-ah! They are firm in their beliefs! Their beliefs-ah! Their BELIEFS-ah! For out there, in the Land of Thud, every man is an island of surety! [``No!'' -- Ed.] Security! [``No!'' -- Ed.] Sobriety! [``NOOOO!'' -- Ed.] Every man is sure of up and down! [``No!'' -- Ed.] Right and left-ah! [``No!'' -- Ed.] Right and wrong-ah! [``No!'' -- Ed.] And I can hear you out there-ah, sayin'-ah ``Say it ain't so, Reverend! Say it ain't so, Brother Alleluja! SAY IT AIN'T SO-ah!''
      But it is, my children. So it is.
      And you say-ah, so you say-ah, ``Reverend! What can we do-ah? What can we do-ah?'' You say, ``We are helpless, Reverend, against the Big World-ah and its jails-ah and its Bibles-ah and its policemen-ah and its firemen-ah, its doctors-ah, nurses-ah, Indian chiefs-ah, people in uniform-ah! People in authority-ah! The cold truth-ah! The ugly fact-ah! The harsh REALITY-ah...
      Reverend, there are LAWYERS out there-ah!''
      Lawyers out there-ah!
      Lawyers out there-ah!
      Now I know your fear, brothers and sisters. I have felt your fear-ah. I know your pain. But you are not alone-ah! You are not helpless-ah! You are not alone because our Lady is with you-ah! Gimme a Hail Eris [``Hail Eris!'' -- Ed.] Gimme a HO-sanna! [``Hosanna!'' -- Ed.] Let me hear the word on the apple-ah! [``KALLISTI!'' -- Ed.]
      Now y'all listen to me, brothers and sisters! I have it from on high-ah! I have the word from on HIGH-ah! I would tell you that I have it on good authority -- but there is no such thing as good authority-ah -- I have it from on high-ah that there is something you can do about it! Tell me what the word is-ah! [``KALLISTI!'' -- Ed.]
      [At this point, the Right Irreverent Reverend Allelujah Terata began to shake, shudder and drool. In his spastic thrashings he upset the podium and water pitcher, and it became apparent to all concerned that, from the way he was banging his head against the altar service and foaming at the mouth, he was either channeling for his 5,000 year old Abyssynian spirit guide, Godspo Hasken, or he was very tired and cranky and should be tucked immediately into bed. He then stopped, stood up, and addressed the congregation in a voice which was almost but not entirely just like a voice which sounded remarkably like his own, if he were trying to sound like someone else. Godspo had arrived. -- Ed.]
      All right children, listen up. It's not enough to say you are a worshipper of Our Lady. It is not enough to simply claim; you must act! Without plan, for orderly planning reeks of the Stinky Finger of Thud, while spontaneity is the sparkling flatulence of Our Lady of Little Surprises. It is your, your, that's not right either...It's lots of fun to upset the equilibrium of the placid, plodding, sure-footed Thuddites with a bit of mystery -- and irritating mystery at that!
      What Brother Allelujah was trying to get around to in his long-winded way was this: people who are sure they're right are trouble, and are the typhoid carriers of the Curse of Greyface. Therefore, they are responsible for all the troubles of the world. So, the only way to combat them is to attempt to make them unsure of everything. The most commonplace things. Everything. Paper clips. You can make them unsure of their paper clips. The best Discordian tactic is called Guerrilla Surrealism. Trust me; I'm a 5,000 year old Abyssynian -- I know what I'm talking about. Listen to ol' Godspo here.
      Guerrilla Surrealism -- the primary weapon of the Holy Avatar Calvin, Hagbard Celine, Caligostro the Great, Henry Kissinger, Puck, the Knights Templar and other great Warriors of Discord. A blameless, guiltless and subtle method of gracefully driving people out of their minds. Infinitely variable, incredibly adaptable, endlessly versatile and really cheap.
      Do you know how many gross of washers or wingnuts you can get wholesale, real cheap? Especially if you go in with a few friends?
      I'll explain. No, there is too much. I'll sum up.
      Example I of Guerrilla Surrealism: The Wingnut Trick (heh heh heh). Pick your Thuddite carefully. The most pompous, plodding Thud you can find who is accessible to you. Bosses are ideal. Professors too.
      Quietly, no more than once per day, maybe twice (patience, patience), slip a wing nut or washer into a jacket pocket, a desk drawer, a briefcase, a lunch box, a shoe, on the carpet -- whatever. Do this slowly and subtly, with accomplices if at all possible. Say nothing. Do not get caught. In a month, your victim will be a gibbering wreck, being dragged off to the booby hatch screaming ``WING NUTS! WING NUTS! AIEEEEEE!!'' -- a much more entertaining person.
      Another variant, usable only on people with ceiling fans, is to drop oily screws and metal bits underneath the fan, once every day or so. People become very worried, especially if they sit or sleep beneath the fan. People suffering from sleep deprivation are also much more entertaining than usual.
      Streaking was once a form, but is now too commonplace. Staging bizarre events (like dressing up as elves and running screaming down the ginza) is a beautiful thing. Bizarre graffitti is a time-honored pastime (see Markoff Chaney of Illuminatus! by Shea and Wilson), but getting caught and defacing property are equally bad. Lawbreaking creates the need for police, thus encouraging a police state, which is bad, children. The best definition of Guerrilla Surrealism is ``an action so bizarre, it is not classified under the law.''
      Strive for perfection. It is a form of prayer. Strive for epiphany. If that doesn't work, do something funny and run like Hell.
      [At this point, Reverend Terata collapsed and was carried off by his staff of nurses while screaming and babbling about lawn gnomes. -- Ed.]
For a truly inspired example, please refer to Pope Icky Fudament's first Case Study of Guerrilla Surrealism.