Epistle to the Thuddites
A friend of many years recently asked me a fateful question, to wit: ``Who
or what is Eris?'' The following
(in which I changed the friend's name to something a little more general)
poured out of my fingers.
My Dear but Deluded Thuddite Friend,
Eris, my beamish boy, also known as Discordia (the former name being
Greek, the latter being Roman), is the Goddess of Chaos and Confusion and the
Head Boss-Lady In Charge of the Universe at Large.
She put the universe together about 5 and a half months ago and then added some
interesting stuff to make it look older. Just to make sure no one could place
it exactly, She made sure that the universe appears to be a different age
depending on what you observe. If you observe the Bible, it's only a few
thousand years old. A quick gander at the Vedas (and the nifty bell [which is
purported to be 6 million years old] that some of Ghandi's contemporaries found
while mining) will indicate to anyone with half a brain (and not an ounce more)
that people have been about for at least 87 trillion years and have been
abstaining from sex for most of that time in order to reach enlightenment
(saving semen, they will inform you, is good for the noodle. Not bad for the
spaghetti, either). Someone foolish enough to look at physics will think the
universe is a few billion years old.
Of course, She left enough evidence around to make sure that everyone
can figure out that there is a colossal Joke afoot.
The Bible teaches that you can't be free-willed unless you can choose
to do the wrong thing, and hence sin has to exist. It then mentions this
perfect, free-willed god guy and hopes no one will notice.
The Vedas are a little more subtle in that there aren't any flat-out
contradictions. However, the whole thing looks like it was made up on the fly
by RACTER, the computer program that wrote ``The Policeman's Beard is Half
Even people who look at physics can figure out that Eris is running
the show, because every subatomic particle that ever was conspires to keep
you in the dark (and will break any other law of physics or causality to do
She keeps all the religions in place to make sure the confusion stays nice and
high, and grants miracles to random people now
and again to make sure everyone thinks that they are part of the Right Faith.
The only religion that DOESN'T experience lots of miracles, in fact, is
Discordianism. This proves conclusively that we're the only religion that IS
right. You see, we don't think that anyone is Right, including us. Since we
aren't going to start thinking we're right no matter what She does, She doesn't
bother with the miracles. Well, not the big, loud Lady-of-Fatima ones, anyway.
She has granted me any number of blessings, which I accept with a
I tell people about them, mainly because they won't accept them as blessings
(one such blessing [which I've received multiple times, Hail Eris] is to have a
piece of profoundly buggy code work flawlessly until I put it into real
production, whereupon it crashes like a 1939 economy. Now, the code shouldn't
have ever worked, but the Lady granted me a blessing and allowed it to
work on FlukePowerŪ. Of course, the blessing has to wear off SOMETIME.
Once, She really saved my ass with one of these blessings. You see, I wrote a
program to create new user accounts in batch, and used it to make some 300 new
accounts at the end of the summer. I ran a tiny batch afterwards, which was to
create only 8 accounts. Every one of those 8 came up with bad usernames
because of a nasty bug I left in the code. This code should never have worked
at all, and very well should have created all 300 of those usernames
incorrectly. I would have spent weeks untangling the resulting mess. The code
worked, though, and for that I am eternally grateful) for the most part (the
sentence started way back at the top of the paragraph; the rest was a
parenthetical comment gone crazy). That way, Her secret is safe with us.
For yet more info on
you should read the
written by Malaclypse the Younger and
Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst.
I hope this was informative and enjoyable.
May the Madness always find you,
Keeper of the Truth,
- Founder of the Order of the Blunted Sword,
- Self-Important World Jester,
- Priest of
- and Many Other Things Besides